Sunday, May 20, 2012
The Confession
Well, my confession may be less of an actual "confession" and more of an "admission." I finally told someone other than the Soldier and my mother that I have asked for a divorce.
I am part of a group of moms in my area who are all very open and honest with each other. We ask questions about baby milestones, sickness, injuries, and even non baby-related things like our marriages and families. But I knew it was going to be hard to tell this group of ladies that my husband and I were not staying together. I already knew that some of them had been divorced before, but some of them surprised me with the information. And not that I would want anyone to have had to go through this, but it was somewhat comforting. Even though I know a lot of people (within my family especially) who have gotten divorced, it still feels lonely and isolating. Perhaps for me it is because of the misperception some of my family had that I was only leaving my husband to be with the Marine. Whatever it is, even when someone says "I'm sorry and I'm here for you" I really don't ever feel like I have anyone on my side. I still feel like I am going at it alone.
But these ladies were awesome. Not one of them questioned me. And every single one of them who had something to say, had nothing but kind words and encouragement. Everything I needed. It makes me a little sad I didn't tell them sooner. Maybe I would have felt a little less alone all this time. They all told me how strong I was to realize that I was not and could not be happy where I am, and that it is so difficult to actually make that decision that I should be proud of myself for taking responsibility for my own (and my family's) happiness.
And I know I should be. It is just so hard to make this decision when you feel like you will always be judged. And no little girl grows up dreaming that she will one day get divorced. So for me, I've had to let go of so much already that this is one more disappointment. I tried so hard to come to terms with the fact that I didn't get a planned and special proposal, down on one knee, with my future husband staring lovingly into my eyes while he presents me with a ring. I convinced myself that my "fairytale wedding" was not important, it was the man I was marrying that was, and so I got married where he wanted to. I even picked colors that would match his uniform, instead of the colors I really wanted. And I had to pretend like I wasn't still hurt, all this time later, by the fact that he was at the bar when he should have been dancing the last dance with me. So now, all these sacrifices that I made feel petty and small, because the marriage itself has been a bigger disappointment than them all, and I feel at fault.
But now it is real. It is no longer "probable," it is reality. Timing is the biggest concern, with the upcoming deployment, I don't know the best way or time to move forward. And it makes me sad to think that the Soldier and I will have to sit down to discuss when it will be most "convenient" for us to get divorced. Right now our focus has been on taking advantage of the time he has left here in the states. Ensuring that our daughter gets to spend as much time with him as possible before he leaves. And he and I are doing our best to remain focused on that. Because to both of us, she is what is most important. And together we will do what is best for her, even when we are apart.
Holding On
Thursday, May 10, 2012
The Deployments
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."
I've got a lot of time ahead of me for my heart to grow, if it so chooses. Today, the Marine left for Okinawa. He will be gone for most of the remainder of the year. And before this year is over, the Soldier will leave on his own deployment. To a much more hostile environment for a slightly longer period of time. Their deployments will most likely not overlap.
This may be selfish, but I kind of wish they would.
I feel a lot of guilt admitting that. But with all the directions I've been pulled in the last year, having any amount of time with no expectations sounds like a beautiful gift.
But the thing is, I know I can take my time. Whatever time I need. All I have to do is ask for it. So why is it so hard to ask for it. Why can't we simply say what we need, when we need it? Is it human nature to want to do and figure everything out on our own? Or could it be that some of us are so used to our requests falling on deaf ears, that we've learned we're going to do it alone in the end anyway? Sometimes, I feel like when I do finally make a decision for myself, one that I think is the best for me, I spend so much time defending or explaining myself, that I've forgotten what it is I set out to do in the first place. And then I'm to tired to remember.
I'm going to be pretty hard pressed to find peace for myself in the next year. It will be full of goodbyes, homecomings, single parenting and second-guessing. And things haven't exactly been peaceful in the meantime either.
I just look forward to the day when I smile more than I frown. And when I laugh more than I cry. That day will come for me. It's just not today.
Holding On
I've got a lot of time ahead of me for my heart to grow, if it so chooses. Today, the Marine left for Okinawa. He will be gone for most of the remainder of the year. And before this year is over, the Soldier will leave on his own deployment. To a much more hostile environment for a slightly longer period of time. Their deployments will most likely not overlap.
This may be selfish, but I kind of wish they would.
I feel a lot of guilt admitting that. But with all the directions I've been pulled in the last year, having any amount of time with no expectations sounds like a beautiful gift.
But the thing is, I know I can take my time. Whatever time I need. All I have to do is ask for it. So why is it so hard to ask for it. Why can't we simply say what we need, when we need it? Is it human nature to want to do and figure everything out on our own? Or could it be that some of us are so used to our requests falling on deaf ears, that we've learned we're going to do it alone in the end anyway? Sometimes, I feel like when I do finally make a decision for myself, one that I think is the best for me, I spend so much time defending or explaining myself, that I've forgotten what it is I set out to do in the first place. And then I'm to tired to remember.
I'm going to be pretty hard pressed to find peace for myself in the next year. It will be full of goodbyes, homecomings, single parenting and second-guessing. And things haven't exactly been peaceful in the meantime either.
I just look forward to the day when I smile more than I frown. And when I laugh more than I cry. That day will come for me. It's just not today.
Holding On
Saturday, March 17, 2012
The "Bad Day"
Some days are good days. Some days are bad days. Today(yesterday) was a little of both.
When the baby started making noise this morning, the Soldier got up with her and I actually got to sleep in. I haven't been sleeping well. For months I've been waking up in the middle of the night. I've always been a toss and turn sleeper but still used to manage to sleep well. Not anymore. Even more recently I've been laying in bed for hours, flipping and flopping, waiting for sleep to come and wishing I could turn my brain off. So sleep has not exactly been pleasant, and I was grateful for the chance to wake up on my own clock for the first time in a long time.
Or so I thought.
A couple more hours of fitful sleep was apparently not enough for me to feel refreshed. In fact, when the Soldier brought the baby up to wake me after noon, I barely felt human. But I got up and we all went downstairs. Less than 20 minutes later, while I'm still groggy and trying to bring life into focus, the Soldier mentions lunch for the baby and says "you should go make her rice." Well, my peaceful rest was short lived, but ok, she needed to eat and she asked for rice. When I walk into the kitchen my heart sank a little. The Cheerios from her breakfast were still open and on the counter. The empty milk jug hadn't been rinsed and was sitting next to the cereal. Her bowl was in the sink with cheerios still floating in milk. The dish strainer hadn't been touched. The clean dishwasher was still completely full. I could feel my blood pressure rising. I questioned him, with less finesse than I probably needed. But honestly, I was proud of myself for not saying what I really wanted to, which was "What the hell have you been doing for two hours???" He was less than thrilled that I wasn't eternally grateful for being allowed to be woken up by him instead of the baby.
It was my breaking point. We have had discussions about everything from him "helping," to his unrealistic expectations of what I should get done around the house. Apparently none of it ever sinks in. Whenever he hears my point of view I usually hear "I'm sorry. I didn't think of it like that." Quite frankly, if I never hear the words "I'm sorry" again, it would be ok, because at this point, they have lost their meaning. They no longer mean, "I apologize," now they are more on par with "I screwed up, can we just get over it so I don't have to feel bad about it anymore." I've run out of patience and compassion, and it is becoming very apparent.
So after starting a pot of rice for the baby's lunch, I went upstairs. I took a long shower and didn't worry about rushing out to help. Afterwards I climbed into bed and watched a couple episodes of my favorite ridiculous tv show. I got up, got dressed, did my hair and left my house. I sat down by myself and had dinner and a Margarita. Food I didn't have to cook, and dishes I didn't have to clean. It was lovely. I stopped to pick up some necessities for the house, and took my time, slowly wandering the aisles. I went and had my nails done. And before I headed home, I picked up a delicious caramel beverage. I did all of this with no guilt, and a feeling that I deserved it.
And even when I was out, taking back a small part of myself, I still picked up the Soldier's favorite snack. And I still ordered him a drink when I bought my own. Because THAT is what selfless people do. They don't do nice things because they expect anything in return. They don't keep tabs on who did what good deeds for whom. I don't even know how to stop caring about people who sometimes don't deserve it. I may want a lot of things for myself, and try hard to get them, but you can never accuse me of not taking care of the people I care about. You can't ever say that I don't think of others, even when I should only be thinking of myself. And I'm tired of being told that I'm spoiled and selfish. If I were those things, I wouldn't even be here.
So after "taking the day off" I feel like the Soldier is upset, and I am calm(er). Because we didn't exactly speak to each other today, he's probably feeling sorry for himself, not realizing the damage that is caused to me every time he starts spouting off about "everything he does for me." I would think by now that he would realize I don't want to compare. I've done a lot for this family, too. And I do it without throwing it in his face. He thinks my job is so easy, so I let him do it for a day. Not even a whole day. And all he did was watch the baby, and do a couple dishes at the end of the night. All the things I usually do, still have not been done. And you know what? I don't care. I'm done busting my ass over all those things, to have one nice gesture thrown at me like I'm an ungrateful brat. So whether or not he understands or agrees, I know that I needed this day. I needed a chance to only have to worry about myself, even if it was only for a few hours. And it felt like I could breathe better than I have in a long time. I might even take tomorrow off, too.
Holding On
When the baby started making noise this morning, the Soldier got up with her and I actually got to sleep in. I haven't been sleeping well. For months I've been waking up in the middle of the night. I've always been a toss and turn sleeper but still used to manage to sleep well. Not anymore. Even more recently I've been laying in bed for hours, flipping and flopping, waiting for sleep to come and wishing I could turn my brain off. So sleep has not exactly been pleasant, and I was grateful for the chance to wake up on my own clock for the first time in a long time.
Or so I thought.
A couple more hours of fitful sleep was apparently not enough for me to feel refreshed. In fact, when the Soldier brought the baby up to wake me after noon, I barely felt human. But I got up and we all went downstairs. Less than 20 minutes later, while I'm still groggy and trying to bring life into focus, the Soldier mentions lunch for the baby and says "you should go make her rice." Well, my peaceful rest was short lived, but ok, she needed to eat and she asked for rice. When I walk into the kitchen my heart sank a little. The Cheerios from her breakfast were still open and on the counter. The empty milk jug hadn't been rinsed and was sitting next to the cereal. Her bowl was in the sink with cheerios still floating in milk. The dish strainer hadn't been touched. The clean dishwasher was still completely full. I could feel my blood pressure rising. I questioned him, with less finesse than I probably needed. But honestly, I was proud of myself for not saying what I really wanted to, which was "What the hell have you been doing for two hours???" He was less than thrilled that I wasn't eternally grateful for being allowed to be woken up by him instead of the baby.
It was my breaking point. We have had discussions about everything from him "helping," to his unrealistic expectations of what I should get done around the house. Apparently none of it ever sinks in. Whenever he hears my point of view I usually hear "I'm sorry. I didn't think of it like that." Quite frankly, if I never hear the words "I'm sorry" again, it would be ok, because at this point, they have lost their meaning. They no longer mean, "I apologize," now they are more on par with "I screwed up, can we just get over it so I don't have to feel bad about it anymore." I've run out of patience and compassion, and it is becoming very apparent.
So after starting a pot of rice for the baby's lunch, I went upstairs. I took a long shower and didn't worry about rushing out to help. Afterwards I climbed into bed and watched a couple episodes of my favorite ridiculous tv show. I got up, got dressed, did my hair and left my house. I sat down by myself and had dinner and a Margarita. Food I didn't have to cook, and dishes I didn't have to clean. It was lovely. I stopped to pick up some necessities for the house, and took my time, slowly wandering the aisles. I went and had my nails done. And before I headed home, I picked up a delicious caramel beverage. I did all of this with no guilt, and a feeling that I deserved it.
And even when I was out, taking back a small part of myself, I still picked up the Soldier's favorite snack. And I still ordered him a drink when I bought my own. Because THAT is what selfless people do. They don't do nice things because they expect anything in return. They don't keep tabs on who did what good deeds for whom. I don't even know how to stop caring about people who sometimes don't deserve it. I may want a lot of things for myself, and try hard to get them, but you can never accuse me of not taking care of the people I care about. You can't ever say that I don't think of others, even when I should only be thinking of myself. And I'm tired of being told that I'm spoiled and selfish. If I were those things, I wouldn't even be here.
So after "taking the day off" I feel like the Soldier is upset, and I am calm(er). Because we didn't exactly speak to each other today, he's probably feeling sorry for himself, not realizing the damage that is caused to me every time he starts spouting off about "everything he does for me." I would think by now that he would realize I don't want to compare. I've done a lot for this family, too. And I do it without throwing it in his face. He thinks my job is so easy, so I let him do it for a day. Not even a whole day. And all he did was watch the baby, and do a couple dishes at the end of the night. All the things I usually do, still have not been done. And you know what? I don't care. I'm done busting my ass over all those things, to have one nice gesture thrown at me like I'm an ungrateful brat. So whether or not he understands or agrees, I know that I needed this day. I needed a chance to only have to worry about myself, even if it was only for a few hours. And it felt like I could breathe better than I have in a long time. I might even take tomorrow off, too.
Holding On
Friday, March 9, 2012
The Darkness
I've been hurt a lot in my life. Sometimes by people I cared about, and often by people who I thought cared about me, but actually didn't. The worst pain comes from those you least expect it from.
I'm still really confused, and more than a little lost. There is too much moving through my head for me to sort out. Every time I try to focus on any one thing, I seem to stumble into another thought altogether. Every time I think I've made peace with a thought or decision, I end up sick to my stomach about it. Too much is happening at once, and it's really starting to pull me apart.
Going through these struggles in my marriage have definitely been hard. It's hard to put into words, but it's like my heart has known something that my brain is trying to deny. Even when I say the words out loud to the Soldier, it hurts me, because I know it is hurting him. Even when they are words that I think will help us both, they are hard to say. The possibility of ending our marriage is there, and whether or not it is for the best, it is sad. But it is not devastating. I think we have both been suffering long enough to see that now.
Moving through this darkness was easier knowing there was light at the end of my tunnel. Shining brightly and calling me home. I knew that getting through the hard part would all be worth it one day. That happily ever after could still happen for me. I was so sure of it.
And now, I'm more lost and confused than I have ever been. I've been hurt by someone who I never thought would hurt me. I didn't even think it was possible. But my nerves have been pushed to the limit. My heart races and my stomach is in knots. It takes deep breaths and long thoughts about what I have to be grateful for to get me through. What has happened to my rock solid? How did it suddenly crumble beneath me?
All this really means, is that I may stumble and fall more than I already would have. I might breakdown more than I'm expected to. But I will get up, pick up my daughter and move forward. She is the one pure thing I have in my life. She is the one I have to make no apologies to, or exceptions for. I will make this life better for her. Even if I do it alone. I will not let her think that her life is anything less than charmed. She is the beauty that rests within me. She is the strength that pulls me up from my knees. And she is the hope that inspires me.
Holding On
I'm still really confused, and more than a little lost. There is too much moving through my head for me to sort out. Every time I try to focus on any one thing, I seem to stumble into another thought altogether. Every time I think I've made peace with a thought or decision, I end up sick to my stomach about it. Too much is happening at once, and it's really starting to pull me apart.
Going through these struggles in my marriage have definitely been hard. It's hard to put into words, but it's like my heart has known something that my brain is trying to deny. Even when I say the words out loud to the Soldier, it hurts me, because I know it is hurting him. Even when they are words that I think will help us both, they are hard to say. The possibility of ending our marriage is there, and whether or not it is for the best, it is sad. But it is not devastating. I think we have both been suffering long enough to see that now.
Moving through this darkness was easier knowing there was light at the end of my tunnel. Shining brightly and calling me home. I knew that getting through the hard part would all be worth it one day. That happily ever after could still happen for me. I was so sure of it.
And now, I'm more lost and confused than I have ever been. I've been hurt by someone who I never thought would hurt me. I didn't even think it was possible. But my nerves have been pushed to the limit. My heart races and my stomach is in knots. It takes deep breaths and long thoughts about what I have to be grateful for to get me through. What has happened to my rock solid? How did it suddenly crumble beneath me?
All this really means, is that I may stumble and fall more than I already would have. I might breakdown more than I'm expected to. But I will get up, pick up my daughter and move forward. She is the one pure thing I have in my life. She is the one I have to make no apologies to, or exceptions for. I will make this life better for her. Even if I do it alone. I will not let her think that her life is anything less than charmed. She is the beauty that rests within me. She is the strength that pulls me up from my knees. And she is the hope that inspires me.
Holding On
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
The Lyrics
Throw a dog a bone,
I'll take it if i have to
Go real fast like there's somewhere we can get to
What's the use of standing right there on the edge if there ain't nowhere to fall
What's the use in hanging on tight to the phone
If nobody might call
Desperation
There's danger in frustration
Complicated words slipping off of your tongue and ain't one of them the truth
I'm still desperate for you
Tell it like a lie,
Live it like a movie
Give a heart away like it don't mean nothing to me
What's the use in making all the plans that we made if you weren't gonna go
What's the use of slapping on a smile for a face if your eyes don't wanna show
Desperation
There's danger in frustration
Complicated words slipping off of your tongue and ain't one of them the truth
I'm still desperate for you
Well it's too damn bad you didn't have a chance to make me your best friend
You were too caught up in giving too much up and not doing what you should have been
Desperation
There's danger in frustration
Complicated words slipping off of your tongue and ain't one of them the truth
I'm still desperate for you
Desperation
"Desperation" by Miranda Lambert
I'll take it if i have to
Go real fast like there's somewhere we can get to
What's the use of standing right there on the edge if there ain't nowhere to fall
What's the use in hanging on tight to the phone
If nobody might call
Desperation
There's danger in frustration
Complicated words slipping off of your tongue and ain't one of them the truth
I'm still desperate for you
Tell it like a lie,
Live it like a movie
Give a heart away like it don't mean nothing to me
What's the use in making all the plans that we made if you weren't gonna go
What's the use of slapping on a smile for a face if your eyes don't wanna show
Desperation
There's danger in frustration
Complicated words slipping off of your tongue and ain't one of them the truth
I'm still desperate for you
Well it's too damn bad you didn't have a chance to make me your best friend
You were too caught up in giving too much up and not doing what you should have been
Desperation
There's danger in frustration
Complicated words slipping off of your tongue and ain't one of them the truth
I'm still desperate for you
Desperation
"Desperation" by Miranda Lambert
Holding On
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
The Homecoming
I took a break. I loaded up the car and my daughter and I drove 864 miles to the place where her father and I had met. We spent Halloween with my sister and nephew. We drove to my parents house in The Middle of Nowhere. We had a short visit with her father in the California desert where he was assisting another unit with a training mission. We went to Disneyland...twice. And I began to find some peace for myself.
Fast forward to Christmas. We spent a week with the Soldier's family and celebrated, and we shared gifts and we enjoyed time together. I love the Soldier's family at least as much as I love him. Maybe more (well there are more of them than just the one of him, right?!).
Back in my home state, we had two small Christmas parties. First with my sisters and their families. Then with my father's family. There was not nearly enough time but the clock was ticking to get the Soldier back to that rainy place, since he was due back to work on the 3rd.
Two days. It took two days of being back in this house for me to break down in tears while lying in bed next to him. There is happiness somewhere in this house, I know there is, there has to be! But I cannot find it. I am not angry, or hurt. I am just here.
Holding On
Fast forward to Christmas. We spent a week with the Soldier's family and celebrated, and we shared gifts and we enjoyed time together. I love the Soldier's family at least as much as I love him. Maybe more (well there are more of them than just the one of him, right?!).
Back in my home state, we had two small Christmas parties. First with my sisters and their families. Then with my father's family. There was not nearly enough time but the clock was ticking to get the Soldier back to that rainy place, since he was due back to work on the 3rd.
Two days. It took two days of being back in this house for me to break down in tears while lying in bed next to him. There is happiness somewhere in this house, I know there is, there has to be! But I cannot find it. I am not angry, or hurt. I am just here.
Holding On
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