The Darkness

I've been hurt a lot in my life.  Sometimes by people I cared about, and often by people who I thought cared about me, but actually didn't.  The worst pain comes from those you least expect it from.

I'm still really confused, and more than a little lost.  There is too much moving through my head for me to sort out.  Every time I try to focus on any one thing, I seem to stumble into another thought altogether.  Every time I think I've made peace with a thought or decision, I end up sick to my stomach about it.  Too much is happening at once, and it's really starting to pull me apart.

Going through these struggles in my marriage have definitely been hard.  It's hard to put into words, but it's like my heart has known something that my brain is trying to deny.  Even when I say the words out loud to the Soldier, it hurts me, because I know it is hurting him.  Even when they are words that I think will help us both, they are hard to say.  The possibility of ending our marriage is there, and whether or not it is for the best, it is sad.  But it is not devastating.  I think we have both been suffering long enough to see that now.

Moving through this darkness was easier knowing there was light at the end of my tunnel.  Shining brightly and calling me home.  I knew that getting through the hard part would all be worth it one day.  That happily ever after could still happen for me.  I was so sure of it.

And now, I'm more lost and confused than I have ever been.  I've been hurt by someone who I never thought would hurt me.  I didn't even think it was possible.  But my nerves have been pushed to the limit.  My heart races and my stomach is in knots.  It takes deep breaths and long thoughts about what I have to be grateful for to get me through.  What has happened to my rock solid?  How did it suddenly crumble beneath me?

All this really means, is that I may stumble and fall more than I already would have.  I might breakdown more than I'm expected to.  But I will get up, pick up my daughter and move forward.  She is the one pure thing I have in my life.  She is the one I have to make no apologies to, or exceptions for.  I will make this life better for her.  Even if I do it alone.  I will not let her think that her life is anything less than charmed.  She is the beauty that rests within me.  She is the strength that pulls me up from my knees.  And she is the hope that inspires me.


Holding On