The Fallout

"People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out, nothing we say is gonna save us from the fallout."  -Taylor Swift, "Breathe"

Seeing the Marine in Vegas was a total shock to my system.  My mind was running laps at 100 mph and my heart had come to an almost halt.  I wasn’t prepared to see him again.  I wasn’t prepared to finally address the feelings I locked away so long ago.  But the minute I saw him, the minute he walked up to me in that Casino, I was lost.  When I looked into his eyes and saw a genuine smile, and when I reached out to grab his hand and there was no hesitation on his end, I was cracking into the safe in which I had locked away the feelings I had for him, and even kept that little part of myself.  And with each moment I knew I was opening a book that I would not be able to close, but had never meant to open again.

When I got home, I made the biggest effort yet, to get to a good place in my marriage.  I reminded myself that this was what I wanted, and that I was very lucky to have a good husband who loved and provided for our daughter and myself.  And yet I knew, somewhere deep in the back of my mind, that the chance was gone.  No matter how much I wanted to make my family work, no matter what my husband did from this point forward, there was no chance for us.  It was gone.  

And ‘it’ seems to be the hardest thing to describe in this whole crazy story.  How do you explain ‘it?’  Other than “what I don’t have.”  The Soldier was trying hard to be the man I wanted.  But he couldn’t be, because the man I wanted was no longer him.

I never imagined that I would involve myself in any kind of “emotional affair.”  I never thought it would be possible to be that kind of person, that kind of wife.  But without even realizing what I was doing, I became attached to the Marine again.  I didn’t mean to, I never woke up one morning and thought, “today I’m going to completely cross the line of what is appropriate in my marriage.”  But soon, the casual little texts had evolved from “hey, how’s it going?” into more in depth conversations about our past, and our feelings.  I came to realize that I couldn’t give him up.  Even when I tried to limit our contact after a request from the Soldier, I could never completely cut ties.  And it became increasingly difficult to watch the Soldier, make these gestures and attempts to show me how much he was committed to our relationship and our family.  I could not help the fact that I no longer responded the same way.  Emotionally and physically I was pulling away, and he was doing everything he possibly could to keep me there.  He even agreed to let me keep contact with the Marine if that was what I needed to give our marriage another shot.  He did and said all the right things, but it was never able to get through to me.  There was no way to bring the love back.  Had I had my heart all to myself, I may have been able to pull it off, but I was already giving my heart to someone else.

Holding On

The Breakdown

(a.k.a. The Bachelorette Party)

As time goes on, I find that the time I spend with my husband becomes less relaxing and enjoyable, and increasingly awkward and stressful.  Simple things, that used to make me smile, now give me goosebumps.  Running his fingers down my arm, touching my back or holding me while we are in bed, no longer give me feelings of comfort and love.  And just as I inched away from him in bed at night, trying to get my own space, so was my heart.  It had been quite some time since I felt like I was happy right where I was.

With the approaching summer we were getting closer to the wedding of one of my best girl friends.  We were going to Vegas, without the husbands and without the babies, and we were celebrating her and the soon-to-be end of her Bachelorette-hood.  And wouldn't you know who happened to be in Vegas, the same weekend, celebrating a friend's birthday?

After getting back to the hotel after the booze-infused pool party, I was collapsed in bed and checking Facebook.  And there it was: The Marine was at MGM Grand Las Vegas.  How was this possible?  That was on the same exact street that I happened to be on at that exact moment.  He confirmed that he was in fact in Vegas and was surprised to find out that I was too.

After the first night and full day in Vegas, I wasn't feeling my best by dinner time.  The smell of food when we walked into the restaurant was almost overwhelming.  After a dinner of plain pasta with butter, I begged off the plans for a male strip show.  Me and one of the other girls cabbed it back to our hotel for some rest.  The girls would call us after the show and we would meet up with them then.  But at 1 in the morning, the Marine texted me and I still hadn't heard from the girls.  I made plans to meet up for a quick drink.  While I was getting dressed I heard from the girls who were still at the same hotel I planned to meet the Marine at.  I figured I'd go have a quick drink with him and then meet up with the girls after.

I was nervous.  I'm still not sure why, but I was nervous to see him.  It would only be the second time since we had split up that we would actually see each other.  I sat at a slot machine while I waited for him.  I sensed him before I actually saw him.  I must have felt that someone was coming in to my close proximity and I knew instantly that it was him.  I smiled.  I smiled a big huge smile when I saw him.  And we walked, and we talked, and we sat down for a drink and I lost track of time.  I had been casually ignoring texts from sisters, intending that I would be leaving in "just a minute" and I would call then and go find them.  Until finally one of them called me, and was less than pleased that I didn't join them at the show, and that instead of getting together immediately, I was sitting at a bar with someone else.  I couldn't even blame her.  I completely understood.  And yet I still couldn't leave.  Even though it was obvious that I wasn't, I felt like I was where I was supposed to be.  We sat above the casino, people watching and talking for hours.  Exhaustion hit me like a ton of bricks somewhere around 5 am.  Or maybe it was 6.  I honestly can't remember.  But, the gentleman that he is, he drove me to my hotel and dropped me off.  When he came around to my side of the car and gave me a hug, I found myself clinging to him.  I was suddenly consumed by the feeling that I needed him, and that I couldn't let go.  When my breathing got shaky, he held me tighter and said softly, "I know.  It hurts me too."  I quickly kissed him and headed off to my room.  I made it to the elevators before I really started crying.

The next day the whole thing seemed to be a blip on the bachelorette party radar, but nothing more.  No one was mad, and we tried to sort out the details of the night over some room service breakfast.  The Marine and I texted through the morning.  He was driving back that day and we agreed to grab some coffee before he hit the road.  When he finally came by the hotel the girls and I were at the pool, so I told him to bring his swim trunks.  I'm not sure why it didn't seem weird to me.  I didn't even hesitate to bring him around my sisters and girlfriends.  It never occurred that it might be awkward to bring an ex-boyfriend to hang out with the girls on a bachelorette party weekend.  My girls don't judge.  I guess I'm pretty lucky that way.

When the pool was closing, most of the girls had already gone back to the room, so my sister left to join them and the Marine and I walked around to get some coffee.  We carried it to the outer staircase of the hotel parking garage.  And we talked, and I cried and he held me.  I told him how I felt like I was losing him again.  How I was so confused, because I couldn't understand how I could love my husband, but love and miss my Marine so much.  He comforted me.  After all the pain that I had put him through, he was trying to ease MY pain!  It was like I had woken up from a dream.  A dream in which I pretended that I hadn't hurt him when I left, and that we were both happy and fulfilled without each other.  But the reality was that we both missed each other, and I finally had to admit it.  I could no longer deny that we both still had feeling for each other.  And it startled me to think that my feelings for him could be stronger than my feelings for my husband.

When he finally left I walked back to the room and crawled into bed.  My sisters were watching a movie and left me alone to nap.  I was trying to rest before we got ready to go out for our last night.  And as I laid there in the darkness, in the semi-conciousness of drifting between awake and asleep, I knew that I had opened a door that I couldn't simply close and walk away from.  I knew that I had just created a complication with no easy solution.  And I had no idea how it was going to play out.


Holding On