The Confession

Well, my confession may be less of an actual "confession" and more of an "admission."  I finally told someone other than the Soldier and my mother that I have asked for a divorce.  


I am part of a group of moms in my area who are all very open and honest with each other.  We ask questions about baby milestones, sickness, injuries, and even non baby-related things like our marriages and families.  But I knew it was going to be hard to tell this group of ladies that my husband and I were not staying together.  I already knew that some of them had been divorced before, but some of them surprised me with the information.  And not that I would want anyone to have had to go through this, but it was somewhat comforting.  Even though I know a lot of people (within my family especially) who have gotten divorced, it still feels lonely and isolating.  Perhaps for me it is because of the misperception some of my family had that I was only leaving my husband to be with the Marine.  Whatever it is, even when someone says "I'm sorry and I'm here for you" I really don't ever feel like I have anyone on my side.  I still feel like I am going at it alone.

But these ladies were awesome.  Not one of them questioned me.  And every single one of them who had something to say, had nothing but kind words and encouragement.  Everything I needed.  It makes me a little sad I didn't tell them sooner.  Maybe I would have felt a little less alone all this time.  They all told me how strong I was to realize that I was not and could not be happy where I am, and that it is so difficult to actually make that decision that I should be proud of myself for taking responsibility for my own (and my family's) happiness.

And I know I should be.  It is just so hard to make this decision when you feel like you will always be judged.  And no little girl grows up dreaming that she will one day get divorced.  So for me, I've had to let go of so much already that this is one more disappointment.  I tried so hard to come to terms with the fact that I didn't get a planned and special proposal, down on one knee, with my future husband staring lovingly into my eyes while he presents me with a ring.  I convinced myself that my "fairytale wedding" was not important, it was the man I was marrying that was, and so I got married where he wanted to.  I even picked colors that would match his uniform, instead of the colors I really wanted.  And I had to pretend like I wasn't still hurt, all this time later, by the fact that he was at the bar when he should have been dancing the last dance with me.  So now, all these sacrifices that I made feel petty and small, because the marriage itself has been a bigger disappointment than them all, and I feel at fault.

But now it is real.  It is no longer "probable," it is reality.  Timing is the biggest concern, with the upcoming deployment, I don't know the best way or time to move forward.  And it makes me sad to think that the Soldier and I will have to sit down to discuss when it will be most "convenient" for us to get divorced.  Right now our focus has been on taking advantage of the time he has left here in the states.  Ensuring that our daughter gets to spend as much time with him as possible before he leaves.  And he and I are doing our best to remain focused on that.  Because to both of us, she is what is most important.  And together we will do what is best for her, even when we are apart.



Holding On

The Deployments

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."


I've got a lot of time ahead of me for my heart to grow, if it so chooses.  Today, the Marine left for Okinawa.  He will be gone for most of the remainder of the year.  And before this year is over, the Soldier will leave on his own deployment.  To a much more hostile environment for a slightly longer period of time.  Their deployments will most likely not overlap.

This may be selfish, but I kind of wish they would.

I feel a lot of guilt admitting that.  But with all the directions I've been pulled in the last year, having any amount of time with no expectations sounds like a beautiful gift.

But the thing is, I know I can take my time.  Whatever time I need.  All I have to do is ask for it.  So why is it so hard to ask for it.  Why can't we simply say what we need, when we need it?  Is it human nature to want to do and figure everything out on our own?  Or could it be that some of us are so used to our requests falling on deaf ears, that we've learned we're going to do it alone in the end anyway?  Sometimes, I feel like when I do finally make a decision for myself, one that I think is the best for me, I spend so much time defending or explaining myself, that I've forgotten what it is I set out to do in the first place.  And then I'm to tired to remember.

I'm going to be pretty hard pressed to find peace for myself in the next year.  It will be full of goodbyes, homecomings, single parenting and second-guessing.  And things haven't exactly been peaceful in the meantime either.

I just look forward to the day when I smile more than I frown.  And when I laugh more than I cry.  That day will come for me.  It's just not today.

Holding On