The Deployments

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."


I've got a lot of time ahead of me for my heart to grow, if it so chooses.  Today, the Marine left for Okinawa.  He will be gone for most of the remainder of the year.  And before this year is over, the Soldier will leave on his own deployment.  To a much more hostile environment for a slightly longer period of time.  Their deployments will most likely not overlap.

This may be selfish, but I kind of wish they would.

I feel a lot of guilt admitting that.  But with all the directions I've been pulled in the last year, having any amount of time with no expectations sounds like a beautiful gift.

But the thing is, I know I can take my time.  Whatever time I need.  All I have to do is ask for it.  So why is it so hard to ask for it.  Why can't we simply say what we need, when we need it?  Is it human nature to want to do and figure everything out on our own?  Or could it be that some of us are so used to our requests falling on deaf ears, that we've learned we're going to do it alone in the end anyway?  Sometimes, I feel like when I do finally make a decision for myself, one that I think is the best for me, I spend so much time defending or explaining myself, that I've forgotten what it is I set out to do in the first place.  And then I'm to tired to remember.

I'm going to be pretty hard pressed to find peace for myself in the next year.  It will be full of goodbyes, homecomings, single parenting and second-guessing.  And things haven't exactly been peaceful in the meantime either.

I just look forward to the day when I smile more than I frown.  And when I laugh more than I cry.  That day will come for me.  It's just not today.

Holding On