The Fallout

"People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out, nothing we say is gonna save us from the fallout."  -Taylor Swift, "Breathe"

Seeing the Marine in Vegas was a total shock to my system.  My mind was running laps at 100 mph and my heart had come to an almost halt.  I wasn’t prepared to see him again.  I wasn’t prepared to finally address the feelings I locked away so long ago.  But the minute I saw him, the minute he walked up to me in that Casino, I was lost.  When I looked into his eyes and saw a genuine smile, and when I reached out to grab his hand and there was no hesitation on his end, I was cracking into the safe in which I had locked away the feelings I had for him, and even kept that little part of myself.  And with each moment I knew I was opening a book that I would not be able to close, but had never meant to open again.

When I got home, I made the biggest effort yet, to get to a good place in my marriage.  I reminded myself that this was what I wanted, and that I was very lucky to have a good husband who loved and provided for our daughter and myself.  And yet I knew, somewhere deep in the back of my mind, that the chance was gone.  No matter how much I wanted to make my family work, no matter what my husband did from this point forward, there was no chance for us.  It was gone.  

And ‘it’ seems to be the hardest thing to describe in this whole crazy story.  How do you explain ‘it?’  Other than “what I don’t have.”  The Soldier was trying hard to be the man I wanted.  But he couldn’t be, because the man I wanted was no longer him.

I never imagined that I would involve myself in any kind of “emotional affair.”  I never thought it would be possible to be that kind of person, that kind of wife.  But without even realizing what I was doing, I became attached to the Marine again.  I didn’t mean to, I never woke up one morning and thought, “today I’m going to completely cross the line of what is appropriate in my marriage.”  But soon, the casual little texts had evolved from “hey, how’s it going?” into more in depth conversations about our past, and our feelings.  I came to realize that I couldn’t give him up.  Even when I tried to limit our contact after a request from the Soldier, I could never completely cut ties.  And it became increasingly difficult to watch the Soldier, make these gestures and attempts to show me how much he was committed to our relationship and our family.  I could not help the fact that I no longer responded the same way.  Emotionally and physically I was pulling away, and he was doing everything he possibly could to keep me there.  He even agreed to let me keep contact with the Marine if that was what I needed to give our marriage another shot.  He did and said all the right things, but it was never able to get through to me.  There was no way to bring the love back.  Had I had my heart all to myself, I may have been able to pull it off, but I was already giving my heart to someone else.

Holding On