The Loss of Everything (A Retrospective)

This blog up until now has been a look forward.  In an attempt to catch everything up to today, in this post I will take a look back.

In 2007, I met the Marine and my life changed for the better.  We began dating in October, but by February the next year the distance of our relationship had taken it's toll on me.  I lost him for the first time.

In 2009, I met the Soldier.  We didn't so much decide to start a life together, as much as our lives just kind of crashed into each other and became one.  We got married in October and December of that year.  Our beautiful baby girl was born in May 2010.

In June of 2011, my life took a dramatic turn.  The Marine and I, both on vacation in Vegas, met up for the first time in years.  And I realized that I missed him.  And we began down the slippery slope of reconnecting and slammed into the ground in a relationship...

In July of that year I got to see The Marine on my birthday.  I was down visiting an old friend near where he lived.  My mom had asked me if I was going down to see him.  The honest truth was no.  But that didn't stop it from happening.  And I quickly began falling for a man who used to be my boyfriend but was not my husband.  And we sat together on the street and I poured my heart out.  And he told me things like "there's no one else."  And the next day I met him to apologize and tell him that we needed to clarify some things and make some decisions.  And I was under the impression that he knew what I wanted.  What I had always wanted.  I thought he wanted it too.

But that didn't stop him from taking someone else to his Marine Corps Ball that November.  A "friend."  A girl that he would have dated if he'd had the chance.  And while I was lying in bed alone at my parents' house that night, writing a letter to him, he was at the ball, kissing her.  And he lied about it.  And every time she came up, he lied again.  And when he was finally coming clean about the lie he said he did it because he didn't want me to leave him.  And the thing is if he had just told me about it then, I wouldn't have.  It wouldn't have been a question.  Our situation was difficult and we were both still trying to figure it out and we were sure to make mistakes.  But the fact that he lied to me about it, about her, for over a year was pretty devastating.  And yet still it was something we overcame.

Before he left on his deployment in May 2012, I sent The Marine two 5050 Cord Bracelets.  A matching set of Woodland MARPAT bracelets, the smaller one with purple trim.  I wanted something that was just for us, that only meant something to us two.  Something to wear while he was gone, while I was waiting for the day I had his hand in mine instead of a 5050 cord bracelet on my wrist.  And I enclosed a card on which I had written a quote: "In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged."  ~Hans Nouwens 

And I imagined us together, with our matching bracelets, finally getting to hold each other when he got home.  And it made me happy to think I was doing something to show him how much he meant to me. Something to take with him to remind him of my love.

And he gave it to her.

Did you hear me?  I said, he gave it to HER.

I managed to get a phone call in in March during a trip to Target.  And I walked around that store like a zombie for an hour on the phone, while he told me that he knew that she wanted him in her life.  And he said "I'm sure you've seen the pictures on Facebook," which of course I had, but had been telling myself they didn't mean anything because they were just friends.  By the time we got off the phone, I had no idea whether or not he wanted to be with me anymore, and I couldn't breathe.  He made it sound like he cared about me, but he wanted to see if this other thing would work out first.  I barely managed to get to my car before I was in tears.  And I had to get on the phone and call him back.  And I was clear, my marriage to The Soldier was over, and I believed my future was with The Marine, and I thought I was going to be the girl waiting for him when he got back from his deployment.  And he said, "Let's keep going."  And I told him that he was not allowed to say that to me unless he meant it.  Unless he was absolutely sure that he wanted to be with me at least as much as I wanted to be with him.  And he said yes.

The Marine was gone for 8 long months.  We even stole away for a day together on the beach before, and I wiped his tears and told him, we had no reason to be sad, but a lot of reasons to be happy now.  And I missed him everyday.  We emailed, Skyped, and IMed on Facebook.  Every time he would say something like "we need to talk" or "I have something to tell you," my chest would get tight and I would brace myself to hear him say he wanted her instead.  I was constantly panicking, worried that I was going to hear news that never came.  Until a couple months after he got home.  He had a few drinks and called me on the phone.  He was audibly upset and I was once again thinking the worst.  And then the bomb dropped.  He had kissed her, he had lied, and he was so sorry.  And he said he was afraid that I was going to stay with The Soldier and that he would end up with a broken heart again.  And I told him again how that was not possible.  My life and my future were with The Marine.  But with The Soldier being deployed now, things were at a temporary standstill.  And still I took a deep breath, and I told him we were ok.  We would get through this.

I got to see him a couple nights when I was on vacation with my mom and cousin.  We hung out with our friends, we watched a movie.  We got to actually hold each other in our arms.  And I finally felt enough relief to broach the subject.  It wasn't a fight.  Not in the way most couples fight.  But it was the closest thing I had had to a disagreement with this man the entire time I had known him.  There was yelling and crying and it was so strange to be engaging that way with him.  So when he dropped me off the night before I was leaving, it didn't feel right at all.  It felt as if we were just left hanging in the middle of a discussion.  We covered the "what happened" but we never made it to the "what happens next."  And the next day I was on the road driving home, and he took the day off of work, and it was an off day for us both.  I knew that if we left it at that, we would not make it.  If our relationship was going to continue, we'd have to finish the discussion.

And we met in the middle.  Each of us going exactly the distance we needed to get to each other.  And there was more yelling and crying, but there were tears of love and desperation, not just hurt.  And eventually there were tears of relief.  And we cried and we held each other, and we committed to each other to move forward.  With honesty, forgiveness and love.  And I drove away the next day feeling confident in our love for each other.  I felt like we had finally bridged the gap we both had been afraid to cross.  We went there to prove to each other that we were exactly where we wanted to be.  Together.

About a month later I found out suddenly that The Soldier would be coming home early.  I wasn't expecting him until the end of the summer, so I was pretty shocked.  I'd heard of troops coming home four months later than expected, but never four months earlier.  I wasn't ready to address the decisions that had been made yet, I'd thought I was going to have a lot more time.  But the Army makes the rules and the schedule, and I've learned by now that things rarely happen when you're ready for them.  So I told The Marine I was going to take a step back.  I was already preparing myself for darkness so I wasn't talking to my sisters or friends anymore.  I was gearing up for battle and I knew I had to do it alone.

We were supposed to visit for two weeks.  Two weeks and then I would be back at my parents and able to explain everything to The Marine.  But when The Soldier got back he was different.  He said a lot of things that I had waited our whole marriage to hear and he confused me.  I thought for a minute that we might be able to work things out.  I thought that maybe we just needed to try again, after the real break that the deployment had given us.  But before the end of our two week stay at the cabin on the lake, I knew that everything was exactly the same as it had always been.  There would be no saving us now.  But we had the Baby to think about and also only one car with us, so we had to plan carefully how to get his truck to him.  We had agreed that school was going to be a priority, that I would get help from him to be able to go back.  And The Soldier was only going to be fulfilling his current contract and that would be up in January 2013.  So it made sense that the baby and I could stay there while I went to school.  It would take me about 9 months or so but I was have him to help me with our daughter so I wouldn't have to balance a job, school, childcare and bills.  So we decided to find a small apartment that we would share.  I would still need to go back to retrieve our belongings from the storage unit and I figured that would give me the opportunity to explain it all to The Marine.  That we finally had a timeline, a light at the end of the tunnel.  And then the Army threw us another curveball.

The Soldier came down on his dream orders.  Orders that would send him to the desert to be an instructor in the area of his MOS.  He would finally be doing something he cared about again.  And his plans to get out changed.  Which was great for him, I totally supported it.  Except that the move would land right in the middle of any program I started.  We wouldn't stay long enough for me to finish one in the rain, and we wouldn't be gone soon enough for me to start one in the sun.  And The Soldier brushed off my concerns telling me that I would just have to wait a year for school.  He had no interest in working with me to find a solution.  So I brought up the idea of the baby and I staying with my parents so I could go to a school there.  It meant a change of plans, but if it meant I got to start school sooner rather than later it seemed like a good idea to me.  I couldn't think long term any more, I had to focus on the right now.  I had just gotten him to consider the idea when life jumped in.  We woke up one morning early in June in the apartment we had just rented to a burst pipe in our ceiling and an inch of standing water in our kitchen.  And the apartment complex fought us the whole way from that moment.  We are technically still involved in a legal battle with them.  So that back-burnered my plans to return home right away.  We had to deal with moving out, finding a new place, moving in and trying to get our money back from the original complex.  And I didn't realize it, but the stress was wearing on me.  Not talking to The Marine was hard, and having one of my very best friends pregnant with high-risk twins, and having a very complicated pregnancy was difficult, but the biggest struggle was keeping my spirits up.  I didn't realize that I was slipping back into a depression and that I was slowly shutting myself off.  Being there was supposed to be so temporary, but it felt like forces were working against me to keep me there longer.  I'm not sure I even realized all of the factors that had contributed to it by the time I recognized the depression.  But that's how it was before.  Slowly, you stop contacting your friends and family, because you have less and less good things to say, and you struggle to find the joy in their happiness because you cannot find your own.  Then you start to feel so bogged down by the loneliness that all of your energy goes into the things you have to do, and leave you no energy for anything you might want to do.  Even when I hadn't got up off the couch for myself in weeks, I still had to feed and take care of my little girl.  But that was all I did.

And then the third strike came.  While looking on Facebook, The Marine had changed his profile picture.  No longer was he standing with his feet shoulder width apart and a rifle in his hands.  Now he was seated with his arm around the girl next to him and smile on his face.  Her hair was back and she had devastatingly blue eyes.  They both wore hoodies and they seemed happy.  Happy.  And I had no idea what was going on.

The next weekend I left for a girls weekend.  I had been numb for a few days now, but when I got to my friend's house I put on a smile and made small talk with her husband while we waited for her to get back from the store.  When she offered me a margarita at 11:30 am I was relieved I wouldn't have to wait any longer for a drink.  My girls were the perfect distraction.  We played drinking games and did jello shots, some of us jumped in the ocean together.  One of us even fell out of the shower, and it wasn't even me.  But I managed to wake up early in the morning and write an email combined of the hurt, anger and most of all the betrayal I was feeling.  It was a slap in the face to forgive someone so many times and have them turn their back without even an explanation.  And very little effort.

Three words pierced through me with the force of lightning: Yes, it's over.  He told me he was tired of waiting.  And he was happy now.  And the pain spread from my heart, to my head, to my stomach.  For three days I stayed in bed, not eating, barely breathing.  One minute I would be tired and numb, and the next I would be sobbing in tears, wide awake and in agony.  I'm not even sure now without looking back at the text messages that I exchanged with my family and friends, how decisions were made or the sequence of events.  Things are a little blurry still, but the decision was made and the process was started.

My mom drove up to get me and the baby.  Before I left I got to visit my friend and one of the twins in the NICU and give her snuggles and tell my friend my plan.  She seemed really relieved.  She had been there through it all and is one of my first friends from when we moved.  She told me that my eyes looked excited and animated again.  She was always able to tell when I was going through a rough time.  I'm so happy to have her support.

But my biggest support is coming from my family.  My family that I was born with, and a family that I have been blessed with to pick up along the way.  One of my very dear friends has been a tremendous help.  Her mother and father are taking the Baby and I in so that I can find a job and start school.  Her mom happens to run a daycare so I have someone I trust looking after my little girl while I try to make a better life for us.  I start school on August 19th and I couldn't be more excited.  And getting to be close two two of my very best friends again for the first time in years feels like exactly what I need right now.  The three of us are all in very different places in our lives, but they are all special for different reasons and I cannot wait to bring them together again!

So I'm here soaking up my family while I can.  I've got my birthday to celebrate and some good friends to see.  And while I'm here I'm sorting and boxing and packing.  And after I take The Soldier's truck to him and leave some things that I will eventually need brought to me, my baby girl and I will be starting out on a new adventure.  Starting fresh and making a change.  We will travel through six states until I get to our new, temporary home...

Colorado Springs, here we come!




Holding On

The Picture

That didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would.

Earlier today I had been trying to locate the various things I had collected during my relationship with The Marine.  I kept stumbling upon things that would remind me of him and decided to make a mental catalog of it all so I could box it up and keep that from happening.  I located a few items but could not find the framed photograph that he had given me for Christmas.  I was almost relieved that I wouldn’t have to see it yet.

Until, just now when I was looking for my purple pen, I opened a box I hadn’t looked hard enough in and found the frame under my journals.  And it was kind of like having a sack of rocks thrown at my stomach.  I felt the pain in my heart when I looked at the smiling couple, but it didn’t destroy me the way I probably suspected it would.  I had to put it away quickly and change tasks right away, but the tears didn’t last long and I was able to calmly work through it.  But it made me see that I was right and I should probably put away all the things that were special to me and The Marine.

Now to find a big enough box.

Holding On

The Confession

Well, my confession may be less of an actual "confession" and more of an "admission."  I finally told someone other than the Soldier and my mother that I have asked for a divorce.  


I am part of a group of moms in my area who are all very open and honest with each other.  We ask questions about baby milestones, sickness, injuries, and even non baby-related things like our marriages and families.  But I knew it was going to be hard to tell this group of ladies that my husband and I were not staying together.  I already knew that some of them had been divorced before, but some of them surprised me with the information.  And not that I would want anyone to have had to go through this, but it was somewhat comforting.  Even though I know a lot of people (within my family especially) who have gotten divorced, it still feels lonely and isolating.  Perhaps for me it is because of the misperception some of my family had that I was only leaving my husband to be with the Marine.  Whatever it is, even when someone says "I'm sorry and I'm here for you" I really don't ever feel like I have anyone on my side.  I still feel like I am going at it alone.

But these ladies were awesome.  Not one of them questioned me.  And every single one of them who had something to say, had nothing but kind words and encouragement.  Everything I needed.  It makes me a little sad I didn't tell them sooner.  Maybe I would have felt a little less alone all this time.  They all told me how strong I was to realize that I was not and could not be happy where I am, and that it is so difficult to actually make that decision that I should be proud of myself for taking responsibility for my own (and my family's) happiness.

And I know I should be.  It is just so hard to make this decision when you feel like you will always be judged.  And no little girl grows up dreaming that she will one day get divorced.  So for me, I've had to let go of so much already that this is one more disappointment.  I tried so hard to come to terms with the fact that I didn't get a planned and special proposal, down on one knee, with my future husband staring lovingly into my eyes while he presents me with a ring.  I convinced myself that my "fairytale wedding" was not important, it was the man I was marrying that was, and so I got married where he wanted to.  I even picked colors that would match his uniform, instead of the colors I really wanted.  And I had to pretend like I wasn't still hurt, all this time later, by the fact that he was at the bar when he should have been dancing the last dance with me.  So now, all these sacrifices that I made feel petty and small, because the marriage itself has been a bigger disappointment than them all, and I feel at fault.

But now it is real.  It is no longer "probable," it is reality.  Timing is the biggest concern, with the upcoming deployment, I don't know the best way or time to move forward.  And it makes me sad to think that the Soldier and I will have to sit down to discuss when it will be most "convenient" for us to get divorced.  Right now our focus has been on taking advantage of the time he has left here in the states.  Ensuring that our daughter gets to spend as much time with him as possible before he leaves.  And he and I are doing our best to remain focused on that.  Because to both of us, she is what is most important.  And together we will do what is best for her, even when we are apart.



Holding On

The Deployments

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."


I've got a lot of time ahead of me for my heart to grow, if it so chooses.  Today, the Marine left for Okinawa.  He will be gone for most of the remainder of the year.  And before this year is over, the Soldier will leave on his own deployment.  To a much more hostile environment for a slightly longer period of time.  Their deployments will most likely not overlap.

This may be selfish, but I kind of wish they would.

I feel a lot of guilt admitting that.  But with all the directions I've been pulled in the last year, having any amount of time with no expectations sounds like a beautiful gift.

But the thing is, I know I can take my time.  Whatever time I need.  All I have to do is ask for it.  So why is it so hard to ask for it.  Why can't we simply say what we need, when we need it?  Is it human nature to want to do and figure everything out on our own?  Or could it be that some of us are so used to our requests falling on deaf ears, that we've learned we're going to do it alone in the end anyway?  Sometimes, I feel like when I do finally make a decision for myself, one that I think is the best for me, I spend so much time defending or explaining myself, that I've forgotten what it is I set out to do in the first place.  And then I'm to tired to remember.

I'm going to be pretty hard pressed to find peace for myself in the next year.  It will be full of goodbyes, homecomings, single parenting and second-guessing.  And things haven't exactly been peaceful in the meantime either.

I just look forward to the day when I smile more than I frown.  And when I laugh more than I cry.  That day will come for me.  It's just not today.

Holding On

The "Bad Day"

Some days are good days.  Some days are bad days.  Today(yesterday) was a little of both.

When the baby started making noise this morning, the Soldier got up with her and I actually got to sleep in.  I haven't been sleeping well.  For months I've been waking up in the middle of the night.  I've always been a toss and turn sleeper but still used to manage to sleep well.  Not anymore.  Even more recently I've been laying in bed for hours, flipping and flopping, waiting for sleep to come and wishing I could turn my brain off.  So sleep has not exactly been pleasant, and I was grateful for the chance to wake up on my own clock for the first time in a long time.

Or so I thought.

A couple more hours of fitful sleep was apparently not enough for me to feel refreshed.  In fact, when the Soldier brought the baby up to wake me after noon, I barely felt human.  But I got up and we all went downstairs.  Less than 20 minutes later, while I'm still groggy and trying to bring life into focus, the Soldier mentions lunch for the baby and says "you should go make her rice."  Well, my peaceful rest was short lived, but ok, she needed to eat and she asked for rice.  When I walk into the kitchen my heart sank a little. The Cheerios from her breakfast were still open and on the counter.  The empty milk jug hadn't been rinsed and was sitting next to the cereal.  Her bowl was in the sink with cheerios still floating in milk.  The dish strainer hadn't been touched.  The clean dishwasher was still completely full.  I could feel my blood pressure rising.  I questioned him, with less finesse than I probably needed.  But honestly, I was proud of myself for not saying what I really wanted to, which was "What the hell have you been doing for two hours???"  He was less than thrilled that I wasn't eternally grateful for being allowed to be woken up by him instead of the baby.

It was my breaking point.  We have had discussions about everything from him "helping," to his unrealistic expectations of what I should get done around the house.  Apparently none of it ever sinks in.  Whenever he hears my point of view I usually hear "I'm sorry.  I didn't think of it like that."  Quite frankly, if I never hear the words "I'm sorry" again, it would be ok, because at this point, they have lost their meaning.  They no longer mean, "I apologize," now they are more on par with "I screwed up, can we just get over it so I don't have to feel bad about it anymore."  I've run out of patience and compassion, and it is becoming very apparent.

So after starting a pot of rice for the baby's lunch, I went upstairs.  I took a long shower and didn't worry about rushing out to help.  Afterwards I climbed into bed and watched a couple episodes of my favorite ridiculous tv show.  I got up, got dressed, did my hair and left my house.  I sat down by myself and had dinner and a Margarita.  Food I didn't have to cook, and dishes I didn't have to clean.  It was lovely.  I stopped to pick up some necessities for the house, and took my time, slowly wandering the aisles.  I went and had my nails done.  And before I headed home, I picked up a delicious caramel beverage.  I did all of this with no guilt, and a feeling that I deserved it.

And even when I was out, taking back a small part of myself, I still picked up the Soldier's favorite snack.  And I still ordered him a drink when I bought my own.  Because THAT is what selfless people do.  They don't do nice things because they expect anything in return.  They don't keep tabs on who did what good deeds for whom.  I don't even know how to stop caring about people who sometimes don't deserve it.  I may want a lot of things for myself, and try hard to get them, but you can never accuse me of not taking care of the people I care about.  You can't ever say that I don't think of others, even when I should only be thinking of myself.  And I'm tired of being told that I'm spoiled and selfish.  If I were those things, I wouldn't even be here.

So after "taking the day off" I feel like the Soldier is upset, and I am calm(er).  Because we didn't exactly speak to each other today, he's probably feeling sorry for himself, not realizing the damage that is caused to me every time he starts spouting off about "everything he does for me."  I would think by now that he would realize I don't want to compare.  I've done a lot for this family, too.  And I do it without throwing it in his face.  He thinks my job is so easy, so I let him do it for a day.  Not even a whole day.  And all he did was watch the baby, and do a couple dishes at the end of the night.  All the things I usually do, still have not been done.  And you know what?  I don't care.  I'm done busting my ass over all those things, to have one nice gesture thrown at me like I'm an ungrateful brat.  So whether or not he understands or agrees, I know that I needed this day.  I needed a chance to only have to worry about myself, even if it was only for a few hours.  And it felt like I could breathe better than I have in a long time.  I might even take tomorrow off, too.

Holding On

The Darkness

I've been hurt a lot in my life.  Sometimes by people I cared about, and often by people who I thought cared about me, but actually didn't.  The worst pain comes from those you least expect it from.

I'm still really confused, and more than a little lost.  There is too much moving through my head for me to sort out.  Every time I try to focus on any one thing, I seem to stumble into another thought altogether.  Every time I think I've made peace with a thought or decision, I end up sick to my stomach about it.  Too much is happening at once, and it's really starting to pull me apart.

Going through these struggles in my marriage have definitely been hard.  It's hard to put into words, but it's like my heart has known something that my brain is trying to deny.  Even when I say the words out loud to the Soldier, it hurts me, because I know it is hurting him.  Even when they are words that I think will help us both, they are hard to say.  The possibility of ending our marriage is there, and whether or not it is for the best, it is sad.  But it is not devastating.  I think we have both been suffering long enough to see that now.

Moving through this darkness was easier knowing there was light at the end of my tunnel.  Shining brightly and calling me home.  I knew that getting through the hard part would all be worth it one day.  That happily ever after could still happen for me.  I was so sure of it.

And now, I'm more lost and confused than I have ever been.  I've been hurt by someone who I never thought would hurt me.  I didn't even think it was possible.  But my nerves have been pushed to the limit.  My heart races and my stomach is in knots.  It takes deep breaths and long thoughts about what I have to be grateful for to get me through.  What has happened to my rock solid?  How did it suddenly crumble beneath me?

All this really means, is that I may stumble and fall more than I already would have.  I might breakdown more than I'm expected to.  But I will get up, pick up my daughter and move forward.  She is the one pure thing I have in my life.  She is the one I have to make no apologies to, or exceptions for.  I will make this life better for her.  Even if I do it alone.  I will not let her think that her life is anything less than charmed.  She is the beauty that rests within me.  She is the strength that pulls me up from my knees.  And she is the hope that inspires me.


Holding On

The Lyrics

Throw a dog a bone,
I'll take it if i have to
Go real fast like there's somewhere we can get to 
What's the use of standing right there on the edge if there ain't nowhere to fall 
What's the use in hanging on tight to the phone
If nobody might call

Desperation 
There's danger in frustration
Complicated words slipping off of your tongue and ain't one of them the truth
I'm still desperate for you 

Tell it like a lie, 
Live it like a movie 
Give a heart away like it don't mean nothing to me 
What's the use in making all the plans that we made if you weren't gonna go 
What's the use of slapping on a smile for a face if your eyes don't wanna show

Desperation 
There's danger in frustration
Complicated words slipping off of your tongue and ain't one of them the truth
I'm still desperate for you

Well it's too damn bad you didn't have a chance to make me your best friend 
You were too caught up in giving too much up and not doing what you should have been 

Desperation 
There's danger in frustration
Complicated words slipping off of your tongue and ain't one of them the truth
I'm still desperate for you


Desperation


"Desperation" by Miranda Lambert

Holding On